After enjoying a lavish spread of heaping portions of rice, roasted fish, tropical delicacies, and fermented fruit juices – the latter of which Inigo and Archard insisted on studying in totality – the visitors were seated before Tamati and his mother in a private villa overlooking the beach. Matautia stood near a pillar to the left of his king.
“Friends,” Tamati said to the gathering, “I understand this man’s motives – indeed, I agree with them, but you’ve put me in an untenable position here. Our alliance with Roberts is crucial to our trade, always has been. I reaffirmed it to him in person, here in this very spot.”
Archard sat up straight. “Was it with Kadir?”
“Indeed, he and two others.”
Archard nodded and slunk in his chair, his sour expression noticed by the others.
“But now you ask my assistance so this young man can kill him.” Tamati looked at Trajan. “Please know I understand what your loss has meant for your family, but you must appreciate my responsibility for my people. Roberts provides a layer of protection that no amount of money can buy. We have no army, we have no ships, all we have are friends and allies.”
“I was not aware that you and Roberts were allied in any sense,” Trajan said, “just that you were associated, in a manner of sorts.” He looked at Inigo. “They did not tell me the whole affair.”
Tamati also looked to Inigo. “I would have thought you would have explained that to him before bringing him to us.”
“So would I,” Trajan said.
“We felt it was inconsequential to your task,” Westley said to Trajan.
“We didn’t want to place any undo burdens on you,” Archard added. “Blood vengeance is burden enough without the weight of additional layers, such as disrupting multi-generational maritime trade alliances.”
“Nuts and spices,” Inigo said.
Trajan looked at him.
“They export nuts and spices,” Inigo repeated. “They’re quite tasty.”
“Also, fruit and hand-crafted sandals,” Tamati lifted his foot to show off his footwear. “The pirates on the Revenge constitute a full quarter of our annual sandal sales.”
“They are amazingly durable,” Westley said, “I have two pairs that are still as sturdy as the day I was given them.”
“I’m wearing some now,” Quidest said.
“Ah, yes,” Tamati said, recognizing them. “I believe Arihi made that style. She doesn’t make them anymore, though.”
“These people are tradesmen and artisans,” Westley explained. “When I sailed with Ryan – that was the Roberts before me – he explained that these islanders’ exports are often intercepted—”
“Stolen,” Tamati corrected.
“Commandeered, they would say,” Archard scoffed.
“—by merchant ships under the flags of the Florinese, French, Manchurian, etcetera,” Westley continued, “who would confiscate the goods. Ryan found out about this and decided to retake what they’d stolen as easy pickings. After sampling their products though, he was so impressed he made a beeline for the island and struck a deal. Ryan’s great gifting was in shrewd business endeavors. I learned much about off-shore investing from him.”
Trajan seemed confused, so Matautia leaned forward and explained. “We agreed to outfit Roberts, and a few other less established pirate vessels, with provisions and occasional safe haven. In exchange, Roberts would ward off testy merchant scavengers with fear, intimidation, and frequently, attack.”
“It’s another reason why Fezzik was happy to stay here. He enjoyed the camaraderie, and his presence lent considerable weight to the islanders dealing with the other pirate ships.”
“And it still does.” Tamati’s voice stiffened. “You jeopardize that balance. If Roberts were to die, word would quickly spread. My people would surely become prey without his protection.”
Trajan bowed his head. “Yes, I understand. Surely you must consider your higher obligations.”
The voices were silent; the wind in the palm trees and the sound of the waves filled the open-air villa. Tamati stood and walked toward a bamboo railing overlooking the sea. The village lay not far below.
“My father loved to tell us children stories when we’d lay out on the beach looking at the stars. All the places he’d traveled to, about his parents, and his fighting styles. Our favorite was the one about you two.” Tamati smiled at Westley and Inigo. “He would light up as he told it. He’d laugh about his friend Inigo, and the man who came back to life. He spoke about the beauty of the woman, about slaying bats in the dark, and deadly spiders on doorknobs. He said it was all for love, and all for friends, and that we must never forget our friends.”
Tamati locked eyes with Inigo. “He loved his friends, maybe more than anything.” He paced off to a corner of the room. Matautia stroked his long beard, nodding his approval.
Trajan stood, and the others slowly followed. “Sir, we have dishonored ourselves by laying this before you. We should not ask such things of our friends. Had I known the nature of your acquaintance with Roberts I never would have consented to come. I hope you will forgive me…us, for intruding on your hospitality. We should be off, and whether or not I kill Roberts, I for one pledge to do whatever I can to help your people should our fates intersect again.” With that, he bowed.
“Bella Major.” Tamati turned around and shared a look with Matautia. “You will find him near Bella Major, or perhaps off one of the other islands that make up the New Florin chain.”
“How do you know this?” Inigo asked.
Matautia answered, “He set out from here to make portage in Australia. From there he said he would spend the rest of the season raiding off New Florin.”
“New Florin is crowded with Humperdink’s subjects. This Kadir is a brazen one.” Westley stared at Archard, who didn’t make eye contact.
“Yes,” Matautia said, “but Florin proper is half a world away.”
“New Florinese colonists hate Humperdink for the most part. In order to fund his navy, their royal taxes are astronomical,” Tamati said.
Westley nudged Trajan. “His navy searches for Roberts relentlessly.”
“You are sure to come across a number of vessels in that area flying Humperdink’s flag, but only the Florinese warships see Roberts as an enemy. The rest are on rather good terms with him,” Tamati said.
“Friends, let us send you off with the goodwill reserved for the men my father loved most. Tonight we will enjoy a grand celebration with all the Glutton Hog you can eat.”
“With pleasure,” Westley said.
Trajan leaned over to Westley and whispered, “What is a Glutton Hog?”
Quidest and the men sat back in their chairs enjoying the post-meal bliss as children ran around the bonfire on the beach. Men and women danced, Trajan among them, partnered with a young woman who was as foreign to him as the music.
He was having fun. Trajan couldn’t remember the last time he had had fun. The food was amazing, the people were beautiful, the scenery was some of the most breathtaking he’d encountered on his long journey from Florin to the very outskirts of its empire. The song ended and Trajan bowed and kissed the young woman’s hand.
Tamati approached him. “Well, I see you’re making friends of your own.”
“Yes,” Trajan laughed, “I am enjoying myself immensely. Thank you for all of this, it’s quite a gift.”
“Come. Let us have a word.” Tamati led him off into the shadows.
Watching them from afar, Inigo spoke to the others. “Well, at least we know who he will be facing.”
“Yes,” Archard said quietly.
Inigo leaned forward. “You still don’t think he can beat him.”
Archard took a sip of his wine, then paused, thinking. “He has a chance. You’ve brought him to a level that, I’ll be honest, I didn’t think he was capable of. But for more reasons than one, I had hoped he wouldn’t be fighting Kadir. Kadir is not as we are, he’s a different sort altogether. He’s not a fencer or an artisan, but rather a walking mass of bulk, beard, and intelligence. He will bring down his broadsword upon that young man’s head,” Archard pointed to Trajan and Tamati in the distance, “and unless he is quick as a mouse, he will be split in two. I would not want to fight him.” Archard put the glass almost to his lip, and paused again. “And I certainly don’t want our boy to have to.” He downed the rest of the liquid, then stood, threw the glass into the fire, and walked off.
Westley looked up at the stars.
Quidest put her head on Inigo’s shoulder. Inigo took her hand and said nothing.
“I have no doubt that these men have trained you well for this encounter with Roberts. But I wonder if you really know what you’re up against,” Tamati said.
“I’d be grateful for any counsel you are willing to provide. I only know from Archard that this Kadir is a large and dangerous man, and not to underestimate him. I’ve been well trained by them and others in the nature of pirates, their tricks, and their cunning.”
“Surely. Surely. But Roberts, this Roberts, is not like other men I’ve met. He has a manner of drawing you in with his speech, he’s…charming, smart, and I can’t help but feel in all of my dealings with him that he always knows something I don’t. He’s unsettling to be around.”
Trajan took in Tamati’s massive physique. “I find it hard to believe you would be intimidated by anyone.”
Tamati stared at Trajan, and Trajan felt a chill.
“You don’t have to go through with this. You don’t have to face him.”
Trajan felt a sense of fear he hadn’t felt since the moment he swung Inigo’s sword.
“I could never look into my mother’s eyes again. I must,” he said, and his voice cracked.
Tamati got close to Trajan. “He is large. He is strong. He is formidable, even against them.” Tamati motioned to the three former pirates. “I would not bet against him. But you have a strength all your own. Listen to these men well, apply what they’ve taught you.” Tamati held out his hand.
Trajan locked his hand around Tamati’s as he pulled him in close. “May the strength of my forefathers go with you, and may we meet again.”
Several days later the ship crossed into New Florinese waters.
“It’s time,” Westley said to Inigo as the others watched and the deckhands pretended to work while craning their necks to see.
Inigo crossed his arms and leaned his back against the mast, his downturned mustache emphasizing his frown.
“Darling, we’ve been through this,” Quidest said impatiently.
Inigo remained motionless.
“It gives me no pleasure either, I assure you,” Westley said, “but it’s really not worth the risk.”
“Come on now,” Archard said, nudging Inigo. “It’s really an insult to the Florinese, when you think about it.”
“Esplain to me how running that accursed Florinese flag up this beautiful mast is in any way an insult to them?”
Archard laughed. “Because it’s treasonous, for one.”
“It is?” Inigo asked, curious.
“Sure.” Archard winked at Westley. “Operating an oceangoing vessel under a false flag is akin to slapping Humperdink in the face.”
Inigo’s squinted. “I think you’re lying to make me feel better.”
“Whether it’s true or not, we simply must. We cannot venture into these waters and hope to avoid contact with Florinese warships as a ragtag assembly of former pirates, Westley especially. Humperdink established this very colony and dozens like it for the express purpose of capturing him.”
“I don’t want the flag,” Inigo pouted. “It’s your ship, you hoist it.”
“We must be united in this,” Westley said.
“How about this,” Quidest offered. “Once we’re done and Trajan has killed Roberts, we can take it down, strip it into fragments, and sew it into baby diapers to sell in the village.”
Inigo pondered the idea.
“And you can tell people all about how you sailed with it and Westley right under their stuffy Florinese noses,” she finished.
Westley handed Inigo the flag. Inigo sighed and took it from him with a yank and quickly fastened it to the rope, then shoved it aside as Trajan hoisted it. The assembled party watched it gently blowing in the breeze for a moment before peeling away to attend to other matters.
“Well,” Westley said to Trajan when they were alone. “Hopefully that will keep the Florinese navy at bay. Now all we have to do is find some pirates.”
The Daughter threw back her sheets, got out of bed, and went downstairs. She found her parents tidying up the kitchen.
“You should be in bed,” her father said.
“I was,” she said, taking a jug of milk out of the fridge and pouring a small glass.
“You should be asleep in bed,” he said, with a small smile.
The girl drank her milk and shrugged, “I was reading.”
“So you like the book?”
“So far.” She finished the glass and put it in the sink. “Where is New Florin?”
“It’s not a real place.”
“I mean in the story. Is it supposed to be near Florin and Guilder? It seems pretty far away.”
“It’s discussed in the appendices.”
“What’s that?”
“In the back of the book, there’s a section on Humperdink and the explorations and all that.”
“Huh,” she said, turning to go back upstairs.
“Turn off your light soon,” he called after her. Climbing back into bed, she picked up the book and opened it to her bookmark, then paused, went to the back cover, and flipped through the pages until she got to the appendices, noticing a heading:
Regarding King Humperdink and His Search for the Dread Pirate Roberts
Following the wedding of Prince Humperdink and the tragic kidnapping of Princess Buttercup that night, it was reported – by Humperdink, and no one dared question him – that she was murdered by mercenaries at the behest of the nation of Guilder. War was declared.
Modern historians as well as other scholars at the time agree that this act was hardly necessary since the nations of Florin and Guilder were, at that point in history, embroiled in frequent, highly popular wars against one another. In fact, the declarations of war on both sides were so frequent – and the cease-fire agreements ending them so unpopular – that the general consensus today is to regard the hundred or so little wars between Florin and Guilder as one big war, and the peaceful interludes between them as temporary armistices, or leap war years as they were called (this was after the Gregorian calendar, but before widespread literacy).
The Buttercup War, as it was called in Florin (Guilder called it simply war #67) was brief. Prince Humperdink acquired a number of important trade seaports, and his uncharacteristic generosity toward Guilderian prisoners shocked many. One such prisoner wrote in his diary after surrendering his fort:
“We were surprised that Prince Humperdink was present on the field of battle and yet he said nothing, letting his general conduct the parley while he stared incessantly out to sea…He seemed to care nothing about the fort, the territorial acquisition, its stores, the prisoners, or anything else. Humperdink seemed to us as either the most stoic leader in history, or else a madman.”
In truth, we now know that Prince (later King) Humperdink was only ever concerned with hunting the Dread Pirate Roberts. From the night of his first wedding (he later remarried*) until the day of his death, Humperdink was, according to Florinese scribes, obsessed to the point of fury with the Dread Pirate Roberts.
Humperdink’s first attempt to capture Roberts’ pirate ship Revenge met with disaster, and a single Florinese sailor was spared to return to Florin with the following testimony:
“…Roberts and another man fought us with such elegant fury we were in equal measures amazed and terrified by their flashing swords. Many fled overboard to avoid a giant who could punch through shields. Most of those that fled to the sea drowned, the shrieking eels took the rest…”
His description of Roberts left Humperdink with no doubt of the truthfulness of his claim, along with a written message from Roberts the survivor carried to him:
To Prince Humperdink,
May your perfect ears ring with the sweet sounds of your failure, today and evermore.
R
P.S. Westley sends his regards.
Humperdink, one of the era’s most renowned hunters, was undeterred if not enraged by his eventually famous inability to capture the elusive pirate. Five separate expeditions met with hundreds of near encounters, each time with locals in those parts swearing Humperdink had “just missed” Roberts by days or sometimes hours. Seeing The Buttercup War as a distraction, he signed an immediate peace accord, granted all Guildarians in conquered lands Florinese citizenship if they pledged willingness to turn over Roberts if discovered, and set forth initiating the largest price on a fugitive’s head in world history.
Humperdink even went so far as to make ordinary Guildarians eligible for this reward, an act which proved to be the final nail in poor King Lotharon’s coffin, who, upon hearing the edict, died of a heart attack on the spot. It was a manner of death wholly consistent with every other Florinese king in memory. The men of the Florin royal family had historically weak hearts as they grew older, Humperdink included.
King Humperdink set out on an ambitious policy of world exploration, ostensibly in search of expanding his empire but really in search of the Dread Pirate Roberts. A number of royal colonies were established in Asia, around the horn of Africa, and in the vastness of the South Pacific, all areas historically traveled annually by Roberts, and crowded with people who’d met Roberts but never seemed to know where he was at any given time.
The years went by. Florin’s navy became the largest on earth and Roberts sailed right past them almost as a ghost. Taxes to fund the hopeless efforts flowed like wine and heaviest of all were those levied on New Florin, continuing until Humperdink’s death shortly after the cessation of the Printing Press War, or War #98 by Guilderian reckoning.
The rest of the tale of Humperdink’s relations with the Dread Pirate Roberts can be found in the Annals of the Later Kings of Guilder. No Florinese records exist.**
*Citizens of Florin long remembered the brief tenure of the Princess Buttercup, known to them as “the beautiful one.” Humperdink’s next princess, Flauta, was ever after known as “the ugly one.” According to many scholars, however, this description is unfair. She was quite pretty; the moniker being more generally ascribed to her personality and her treatment of average citizens, which was quite ugly indeed.
** The most comprehensive book on the subject has several pages torn out.
She turned the page back to her bookmark.
<< Previous episode Next episode >>
Do you like what you’ve read so far? Feel free to leave a comment and let me know what you think. Nerds, check out The Nerd Cuts, where I take movies that fell flat for one reason or another and fix them with better endings, including Avengers: Endgame, La La Land, The Terminator franchise and more.
Follow me on Telegram, Substack, Truth Social, and Gab.