I had to decide: How much damage can an enraged chicken to do my face?
How did I get here?
Mrs. Guerra had been threatening chickens ever since we bought this property five years ago. I had flat out refused them because I don’t like walking in chicken ssssstuff. However, seeing the world go stupid in 2020, fallacious in 2021, and nefarious in 2022 changed things. The prospect of empty egg coolers due to manufactured shortages cemented my new conviction that we can’t rely on institutions we used to respect – from food distribution to medical care, from election integrity to protecting our children. Those in power are no longer on our side.
If you’ve been paying attention to truckers, farmers, market trends, etc., you’ll know that we’ve got a storm brewing. Unsustainable fuel costs and fertilizer shortages are here. Domestic and international food and livestock production are in freefall. Inflation is soaring. Mysterious new wrinkles in the supply chain emerge almost daily. War is a real possibility that history attests is always good for those in power. Malignant government action is the norm, like selling off our strategic fuel reserves to our enemies, and crashing our already fiat currency.
Folks, things are about to get real for everyone. Unless you’re prepared for this your family may very soon be left without food, or without electricity or fuel to cook it.
So I resigned myself to getting chickens.
“And quail,” she said.
“Wait, what?”
“Quail start laying eggs in only six weeks!”
“So?”
“The chickens won’t start laying till next fall. We’ll need eggs sooner than that.”
*sigh* “Tell me what I have to do.”
“Well, the quail will need an enclosure that is at minimum 4’ by 3’ for every 20 or so birds with a ceiling no more than 18” high, with ½” hardware cloth…”
I raise my hand.
“What’s hardware cloth?”
This is just one of a hundred new experiences I’ve tallied while preparing my family for the next shoe to drop. Welcome to 2022, where a shadowy Dr. Evil is running the government and I’m chasing chickens around the property at 11pm trying to get them into the coop that I’ve been building all spring.
So, back to that chicken flying at my face.
First off, I didn’t know chickens can fly. I mean, I guess I’ve seen them flap up to a perch, but I wouldn’t call that flight. So when my wife and I finally cornered the elusive rooster on the deck, we thought we had him. We’d chased him all over the yard for 20 minutes but finally we had him, we thought. But, oh no, D’Artagnan (that’s what we call him now) spread his wings and flew…straight at my face. (It was a little like seeing the chimps from Project X taking off in the Cessna but not nearly as funny. Equally absurd, though. Matthew Broderick would have been proud.)
I’m not gonna lie, it’s been a lot of work. Things have been temporarily set aside (like my half-finished fourth book) but at least we’ve got a plan if the worst should happen.
Do you have a plan?
Later in this post I’ll list several things anyone can do to prepare for whatever disaster befalls us, man-made or otherwise. If you’d like to, skip down to that section. If you’re not yet convinced of the need, keep reading.
Think about everything we’ve seen in the past two years and start asking what they’re going to do next, because sitting around hoping a mid-term election of the same people who did nothing to combat the deep state since 2020 will suddenly change things is absurd.
We’ve seen trusted institutions betray us and watched infrastructure and freedom crumble. We lamented the dissolution of free and fair elections and seen fuel prices triple. Our news and media outlets were exposed as psychological operations divorced from reality. Lies are now fact-checked into the establishment’s version of history while an uninterested public shrugs and complies with whatever cockamamie idea they’re fed.
We’re in a war on multiple fronts – economic, social, medical, technological, academic – and only a fraction of the population knows it. It’s past time to get ready and our time may be very, very short.
Prepping for Armageddon…with seven kids in tow.
Life has been a little weird here lately. Here are few things I’ve been learning about this spring and summer:
Brooding boxes.
Static water levels.
Bumblefoot surgery.
Tactical reloading.
Indoor gardening.
IRA transfers.
I’m a nerd who loves to research so I’m happy to learn new things but it’s a lot to take in. Let’s just take it one step at a time so that we can all get up to speed on how to get ready for what’s coming. There’s no downside – earthquakes and hurricanes happen all the time, right? – so don’t be that guy scrounging for a UNICEF tent along with 500,000 rowdy friends.
Preparing your family for a disaster
#1. Solve the water problem.
Fact: Without fresh water you will probably be dead in three days. If you don’t have any, go out and spend $15 and buy at least three cases of bottled water.
There, just like that you’re already better prepared than 90% of your community, no matter where you live. Isn’t this easy?
If you have good water coming out of your tap, buy as many 5-gallon water jugs as you can afford and fill them. Buy another one next month. You’ll need at least 1 liter (32 oz) of water per person per day while doing nothing more than resting to survive. Exertion will greatly increase that consumption need.
If you have a well, congratulations! You have a potentially unlimited water supply…unless your power goes and your pump becomes worthless. In that case you can add an emergency hand pump to your well head for the old-school send-the-boy-out-to-the-well-with-a-bucket system. Don’t worry, hard times make strong men. There are a number of options for hand pumps ranging from $100-$3000, including installation. Call a well company in your area for more info, or if you’re at all handy you can save a ton of money and buy one from these guys delivered to your door.
#2. A backup heat source
Freezing to death sucks. Even in warm weather climates a good chill can lead to hypothermia, especially when dealing with lack of nutrition or sickness. Consider installing a woodstove, or a gasoline or propane generator. You can likely find one for around $1000 but installation could be spendy. This will likely be the most expensive thing you do but also the thing most likely to save lives. Your family is worth it.
#3. Fuel
Everything will be humming for a day or so but you’ll be bummed when you suddenly can’t use your vehicles, ovens, chainsaws, generators, or barbecue grills. All these things require fuel (and there’s no guarantee your gas line will survive an earthquake, for example).
Keep and properly store as many red 5-gallon gasoline canisters as you can afford. Don’t fret the price, it will be worth more tomorrow and you can always cycle through it with your vehicles if nothing happens for a while.
Get more wood than you think you’ll need for the winter.
Buy extra charcoal, propane, candles, lighters, matches, or wood pellets for your grill. This will allow you to continue cooking food if your utilities go down, plus you can always use them for camping or partying when saner days prevail. Someday they will.
#4. Non-perishable food
Now that you’ve got your water and a way to keep it (and your family) from freezing, you can survive for 30 days. If you want to live longer than that you’ll need food. You’ll want canned or dry goods, not frozen foods (more on this later). Here is a partial list of items every home should have on hand:
Canned fruit– preferably in juice, NOT syrup which is a) disgusting, and b) dehydrating. Pineapples and oranges are easy to find in juice.
Canned olives or beans – high calorie content.
Coconut oil – multiple uses.
Real peanut butter – Look at the ingredients, it should never have more than peanuts and salt. Jiff is plastic.
Dried fruit.
Unsalted nuts – You’re after the protein and fat and these are usually much cheaper than the fun, flavored variety.
25-50 lb bags (dependent on your family size) of rice, beans, flour, and pet food.
5-25 lb bags (again depending…) of salt, sugar, baking soda, baking powder, and corn starch.
Yeast – Yep, you’re going to start making your own bread. Deal with it.
Spices – Turmeric, cinnamon, cumin, cayenne, black pepper, and ginger all have additional nutritional properties. Well, maybe not cumin, but the first time you’re forced to make a black bean taco with a homemade tortilla on a camp stove, you’ll wish you had some.
With a good assortment of these basics you can ration hundreds of meals with or without power. Experiment with different kinds of flours, beans, or dry goods (split peas, garbanzo beans, etc) and see what you like. You can buy these items pretty inexpensively (for now) and there may be wholesale distributors servicing your area where you can acquire them heavily discounted and in bulk. You’ll also meet people there in your community who aren’t planning on starving anytime soon. Trust me, you want to know these people.
#5. Get a gun
I don’t care how you feel about firearms, you need one. Even if you keep the thing unopened on a high closet shelf it will only ever increase in value. But you must be trained on how to safely store and use it.
You: “Okay, okay, I’ll get a gun.” (You know you always kinda wanted to anyway.) *wink* “What kind should I get?
If you know nothing about guns, get a pump action shotgun. You can purchase one anywhere, even from private sellers in most states if you’re 18. They’re inexpensive (often under $200), easy to operate, require very little skill to hit your target, and just the sound of working the action will be enough to make someone think twice about confronting you.
Of course, shotguns aren’t practical for travel so consider a handgun (9mm, .40 S&W, .45 ACP, or 10mm) and a Kydex style holster for safely carrying it. Should you need to venture to the grocery store in search of that last package of, let’s say, toilet paper or baby formula, you might be glad you had it. I know that sounds absurd, right? Wouldn’t ever happen?
We had a 7.1 earthquake in Alaska in 2018. A guy I know likes to tell a story about how he and his boys went out to check up on some of the more vulnerable members of our church that day. Within hours the stores were packed with the unprepared scrounging for supplies. By sunset the jerks who don’t feel like waiting in lines were in force, and armed.
Without a gun you (and your water/generator/rice) will be at the mercy of those who have them.
Don’t forget to get as much ammo as you can afford. It will always have value (even trade value), and you’ll need to plan on using several hundred rounds at the range with a qualified instructor (or super cool grandpa) as soon as possible. The guys or gals at the gun store will be happy to get you hooked up with something that fits your type. Just ask around for a recommendation for a good dealer near you.
#6. Perishable foods
The idea is to get your home prepared to survive without power for months on end. That means no refrigeration, which means you have two options for fresh meat and vegetables: a) raise or grow it yourselves, or b) get to know the people in your area who do.
Regarding Option A:
You can grow a number of items in your home regardless of whether you live in a house or apartment. Potatoes, carrots, turnips, tomatoes, peppers, etc. are either high calorie or high vitamin foods that can be grown in buckets or large pots. Fresh herbs and microgreens can be grown in trays in windowsills or anywhere where a florescent light can be mounted. Did you know broccoli and turmeric are beautiful houseplants? Stop watering plants that don’t give anything back. Plant things you can eat.
As for meat, consider raising rabbits. They’re small, docile, easy to maintain and provide the most calories for your dollar than just about any other meat given the circumstances. A few quail can be kept like pet birds. They produce a lot of waste, but so do parakeets, and unlike parakeets they produce delicious eggs every day. They can also be culled in your kitchen sink for about a chicken-thighs worth of meat if necessary and incubated and raised in a bathroom if you want more.
And this leads us back to chickens. I could do an entire post on chickens but in short, chickens are awesome but they require a lot more infrastructure. If you have a yard, you can get a pre-fab chicken coop up and running for under $500. If not, you should get to know the people in your area who do have chickens. Which leads us to…
Option B:
Get to know the local growers in your area. In rural communities that’s easy, ask around. In large cities you can try contacting the purchasing managers for high-end restaurants or locally owned grocery stores that use fresh ingredients. Also search out local homeschool groups.
Someone somewhere is always raising their own food. Find them and make them some cookies. When the stuff hits the fan you can go them and say, “Hey, Bob. You might remember me, I’m the guy who brought you those cookies. Can we talk about buying one of your chickens?…I’ve got plenty of shotgun shells, and real peanut butter…?”
#7. Vitamins/Drugs
A supply disruption will hit hardest those who are highly dependent on supplements and medicines. Stock up on those things which you take daily or weekly. Even if they don’t disappear off the shelves, the price is likely to skyrocket with increased fuel prices and lack of production. This is our favorite online vendor.
#8. Medical Supplies
In a crisis environment those urgent care centers may evaporate. Due to Covidiocy, ERs are already to be avoided at all costs. So stock up on basic medical supplies that your family will need when a nurse or firefighter isn’t just a phone call away. Every home and vehicle should already have a first aid kit along with at least one person in the family trained in basic first aid. But off-the-shelf first aid kits don’t have things you might need in a crisis, like tourniquets, chest seals, airway devices, and combat gauze. Consider customizing your own home first aid kits with an abundance of the things you’ll need most (like bandages and tape) versus those things that you rarely ever need (like gloves and surgical scissors). Some other medical supplies you’d be wise to have on hand:
Antiseptic spray or ointments
Betadine
Iodine
Peroxide
Rubbing alcohol
Vodka – works as an anti-septic as well as an anesthetic, it also has great trade value.
Thermal blankets – these are amazing little $2.00 wonders.
Pocket BVM – Bag Valve Mask for administering air into a patient.
Nasopharyengeal airway device
Aspirin and Ibuprofen
Of course you’ll need training on how to use some of these items. Try contacting a fire station about getting First Aid/CPR certified. Firefighters love to teach, and you’ll never be sorry you took the time to learn these skills. There is also a wealth of information on YouTube, but one can’t rely on the internet for information during the apocalypse. It probably won’t exist anymore (and good riddance, I say), which leads us to…
#9. Books
Do you know how to fix a toilet, start a fire with sticks, create a homemade water filter? Do you know how to can vegetables, fix the brakes on your vehicle, dig a latrine? Behold the beauty of books. Paper and cardboard bound together with the wisdom of the ages…sometimes compiled for dummies like us on every topic imaginable. Spend a few bucks on books that teach essential life skills and how the things in your house work, because it may be a loooong time before you can get a guy to come over and fix it, even if you have an extra gallon of gasoline to pay him with.
Some relevant titles:
The Encyclopedia of Country Living, 50th Anniversary Edition: The Original Manual for Living Off the Land & Doing It Yourself
Prehospital Emergency Care 11th Edition
Breaking Bread: A Baker’s Journey Home in 75 Recipes
Haynes Vehicle Repair manuals
Polyface Micro: Success with Livestock on a Homestead Scale
#10. Radios and batteries
When all other communication devices go down you will still be able to communicate via the radio. If you simply want to listen for news and instructions, battery operated ones are fine but batteries die eventually. You’ll want to pick up a solar powered or hand crank radio. These can also charge small devices like phones and flashlights (or the battery on your electric start generator). But if you’d like to actually talk to folks in your area (or across the globe), learn about HAM, GRMS, and CB radio. This method is tried and true and may come in handy if you find yourself leading a revolut…a militia…a vegetable co-op.
#11. Clothing
Clothes wear out, especially socks, shoes, and underwear. Set aside some new pairs just in case they’re no longer available next year in the size, style, or quality they currently are. If you wear a size 9 and the store only has a bunch of size 7’s, you’re going barefoot, my friend. It’s really going to suck trying to bag that elusive moose (assuming you can spare the fuel required to hunt and transport it) while trudging through the tundra in worn out hiking boots. Get a backup pair. You can always wear them sometime in the future.
# 12. Gifts
If you’ve made it this far, you’re serious about getting through this. One of the things that any survival expert will tell you is the importance of moral victories. It’s your attitude, your faith in God, and your hope for the future that will carry you and your family through it all. Imagine a season of war, famine, or lack where everyday brings a new hardship, yet in the midst of it you are able to bless your kid with a birthday cake and a new Lego set still in the box. Will Thanksgiving be the same without a turkey? Get one now, just in case they’re not available in November, and invite your neighbors over to share it.
#13. Odds and Ends
Consider the things you rely on but take for granted. Now consider them disappearing from store shelves, being rationed by foolish store policies, or tripling in cost due to inflation, and stock up accordingly:
Toiletries and hygiene products
Prophylactics
Spare tires (bicycle and vehicle)
Water or air filters
Don’t assume the things you need will always be there at your convenience. Get them now.
Is it all worth it?
I admit that the notion of a collapsing supply chain and resulting scarcity can cause some people to make decisions out of fear. Would all the money we’ll spend building up our stores have been better spent on other things? Does spending so much time and effort preparing for an eventuality distract us from our God-given missions, or from enjoying these days in leisure, like I see so many others doing? Will it be worth it?
I will answer with two scenarios:
Scenario #1: Calamity hits as predicted and while everyone else wanders around the grocery stores searching in vain for the last box of pasta, you are at home making your own with an abundance of stored flour and eggs from your own (or your neighbor’s) chickens. You’ve rolled out fresh fettucine to go with your homegrown, organic, non-GMO tomatoes. You’re healthier, heartier, and more sure of your abilities than you’ve been in years. And you can be a benefit to your community instead of a drain on it.
Scenario #2: Calamity doesn’t hit, but you’re able to do exactly the same thing with a grateful heart and knowledge that whatever the future holds you’re not dependent on a system that’s set against your health and independence. You can generously donate to those in need and teach your children time-tested, necessary skills instead of merely teaching them things that will be worthless in a world without power, like coding and social media optimization.
The choice is yours, but know that the same people cheering a red wave election and better times ahead are also the same people who didn’t blink an eye at vaccine passports or notice stories proclaiming the benefits of fake meat made from crickets. They’re also the same people who won’t let you post about any of this on Facebook.
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If you enjoyed this post and want to consider some next-level prepping options, stay tuned for an upcoming article where we discuss things like surviving in the wake of EMP or nuclear attacks.
Need something light hearted after all that drama talk? Check out my book, The Dread Pirate Roberts, a fan fiction sequel to The Princess Bride. New episodes post every Monday. Subscribe to get each episode in your inbox.