I’ve decided to start a new series: The Nerd Cut. This is where I take movies that bug me for one reason or another and produce an alternate cut of them. Maybe the movie suffered from a bad ending or an unfortunate casting, maybe it had major plot holes indicative of lazy writing, or maybe it was nearly perfect except for that one little detail — like a small piece of excrement folded into an otherwise perfect batch of cookie dough.
Flawed movies annoy me, because I’m that kind of nerd. So let us put right those stories that had so much promise, but for lack of a quality editor left a bad taste in the mouth.
Avengers: Endgame
First off, I’m not a fan of time travel. I have no problem with time travel movies if time travel is central to the plot (Back to the Future, The Terminator) because that can make for some fun and unique story lines. I take exception however to films that use time travel as a vehicle for getting the story across certain plot holes (Superman, Interstellar). That to me seems like lazy writing. But it wasn’t just time travel that bugged me about Avengers Endgame, as you will see.
[Open curtains]First scene: no change. The scene with Clint and his family is brilliant, as is the sequence with Tony and Nebula in space. Their return with Captain Marvel…yeah okay, sure.
We now have them all back together on Earth and this is where the changes come into play. Pepper is gone, as is Ant-Man’s daughter. Ant-Man emerges from the Quantum Realm when some scavengers find the van unattended in the wake of the snap. They press some buttons and Ant-Man is back wondering what the heck just happened. He finds his daughter gone and seeks out the Avengers.
Meanwhile, Tony and Banner visit Dr. Strange’s Bleaker St. address and find Wong, who is able to shed some light on what’s happening in other dimensions but with few answers as to what can be done.
The Avengers and Wong hold a council; Captain Marvel and Thor (not fat) go searching for Thanos.
While the Avengers debate, chaos has engulfed the world. Clint and Ant-Man struggle to survive the massive civil unrest as they make their way to Avengers HQ. Cap and the rest see what’s going on and have several scenes trying to establish order as best they can, while everyone is looking to them to make things right.
Thor and Captain Marvel find Thanos and try to engage him, but Thanos has gained mastery over the stones, especially the Space Stone and is able to isolate them and send Captain Marvel into a dimension she’s never been to before and doesn’t know how to get back from. Thor is left bloodied and frustrated, and returns to Earth.
Eventually everyone makes their way back to Avengers HQ and has to decide whether or not to be grateful for what they have left and continue to try and keep the peace, or let the chaos go and risk fighting Thanos again. They decide to fight Thanos in his garden sanctuary. They fight him alone at first, but he fends them off long enough to retreat and summon his armies to attack what is left of Earth.
We go back to Earth where Thanos has simply gone ballistic intending to scour the planet.
The five main Avengers face his army (along with Ant-Man and War Machine), and Tony, Thor, and Cap end up isolated against Thanos the same way it played out in the original film, with Thanos taking out everyone but Captain America. Cap stumbles forward to make his final stand, only this time Wong and the surviving wizards show up opening portals. Various armies from Guardian lore show up, as do Wakandians, Captain Marvel, Valkyrie, and also conventional military forces from around the globe a la Independence Day.
They fight. Thanos is killed. Now what?
Can you just snap them back? It doesn’t work that way.
Time Stone? Wong tries but doesn’t have the mastery that Strange had. They need a sorcerer supreme, so Wong takes the Avengers into the quantum realm to seek out The Ancient One.
They locate her in the happy land of dead sorcerers and explain the predicament. She explains how energy never dies but changes forms and that the souls of everyone still exist but in order to return to the original form they will need to reverse the snap by taking the soul stone back and returning it. She explains that Strange knew this; it is the one way.
The five original Avengers and Wong take it to Vormir and offer to give it back to Red Skull. He instructs them that he can’t take it. It can only be returned in the same manner it was retrieved, and if they want to exchange it for the souls of loved ones, they will need someone willing to trade places with them. Clint volunteers, so does Tony. But Red Skull point out this will only bring back the specific ones they love. Only a person with genuine love for all people can be the exchange for all of the lost.
Captain American steps forward.
There are pleas for him to stay but ultimately it is a tearful exchange between Tony and Cap that cements the decision. Cap tells Tony, “I can never bring back your parents, but I can at least bring back Pepper.”
Tony hugs him and says, “I would have laid over the wire for you. You were the iron man.”
Captain America takes the soul stone, gives a thoughtful nod to Red Skull, walks toward the cliff while reciting Psalm 23, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.”
He reaches the edge, “Mom, Dad, I can’t wait to see you again.” He turns, salutes, and steps off.
The snap is reversed. Tears and cheers. Reunited.
[First credits]First after credit scene: Tony and Pepper get married with some funny, witty dialogue. [Main credits. After-after credit scene]
Black Screen. The audience hears Glenn Miller’s “Moonlight Serenade” playing softly. The image pulls up to reveal green rolling hills and a sunrise on the left. The camera hovers as we pass over the hills and the music get louder until we see two people in the distance, a man in brown pants and a white t-shirt dancing with a woman in a white dress. As the song ends we hear Steve Rodgers and Peggy laugh together.
[end]Take that, Russo brothers.
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Speaking of great stories…The Princess Bride is perfect, but does it need a sequel? Before you shake your head, check out The Dread Pirate Roberts my fan fiction sequel to The Princess Bride.
The Dread Pirate Roberts tells the tale of Trajan, a young Guilderian on a quest to avenge the death of his father, killed by the current Dread Pirate Roberts . His efforts are quickly altered by Westley and other previous Dread Pirate Robertses, who decide to train and assist Trajan in his quest. Read the entire book for free.
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Want to see another take on correcting the problems with Avengers Endgame? Check out The Critical Drinker’s YouTube channel and see how he brilliantly fixes fat Thor.