Over the years I’ve learned the hard way that there are a number of things a guy should never do in bed. These may not be what you had in mind when you clicked on this article, but believe me, my wife says your wife will appreciate you reading on.
1: Don’t flop onto the bed.
Whether she’s sleeping, quietly sitting up reading, or scrolling on their phone, women almost always despise it when you flop those 180+ pounds down next to them.
And they absolutely hate it—and when I say hate I mean the special kind of hate reserved for large spiders dropping on their heads—when you plop down next to them if they’re nursing a baby. Guys have no idea the turmoil caused when a violent detachment occurs. And if you’re the one who causes it with your Richter-scale spike centered on the mattress, God be with you.
2: Don’t fling off the covers.
Remember in sports during a break in practice, your buddy thought it would be so cool to pour a cup of ice water down the back of your shirt? Yeah, that’s pretty much what your woman experiences when you fling off the covers, exposing her body to the rush of air from outside her blanket igloo of warmth.
If you’re climbing into bed, inch along and only lift enough of the comforter necessary to join her. After that, you may freely move within, under the confines of the dome. If you’re climbing out of bed—perhaps while she’s still sleeping—proceed operation in reverse order and pray she doesn’t wake up. And don’t flop down on the bed to kiss her goodbye, either (see #1).
3: Don’t snore.
I know this may seem like something beyond your control but it’s not; there are entire industries dedicated to alleviating this marriage strainer.
I never really snored—or at least I never snored to a degree that she seriously considered whacking me in the face with nunchucks mid-REM—until I was in my forties. After that, I began honking so loud it may have been responsible for loosening the fillings in her teeth. It’s debatable.
Of course when she told me my snoring was becoming unbearable, I didn’t believe her at first, and played it off (don’t do that). After being kicked to the sofa in the middle of the night, I also whined about it (especially don’t do that, either).
It may seem like something to shrug off but it’s not. Habitual snoring can—and often does—lead to insomnia for the other partner, and insomnia can cause an entire tree of related health problems, with branches including mental and physical health challenges. Our marriage suffered dramaticaly during this period.
Fortunately, I eventually got my head out of my *** and got to work solving the problem.
I tried those nasal strips, then some silicone inserts to keep my nasal airway open, and when those failed, I tried an overly-expensive mouthpiece you wear at night that eventually hurt my jaw. None of them worked very well.
Eventually I learned that the keys for me to avoid snoring are 1) to avoid fatty foods too close to bedtime, 2) keep my weight down, and 3) sleep on my side, with my head slightly elevated.
If I have a quesadilla, a burger, or ice cream etc. too close to hitting the pillow, or if I lay flat on my back, it’s going to be buzzsaw city until she pats me on the side of the head; with varying degrees of psi proportional to the decibel level I’m generating, or how tired she is, or whether or not I risked waking the baby. Or at this season of our lives, the neighbors.
But that’s just me. Do the homework, get methodical about what triggers your snoring, and experiment. Troubleshoot, maybe keep a journal, and then debrief with your wife in the mornings to figure out what works for both of you to each get healthy restorative sleep again.
4: Clean up.
You may not want to take a shower after coming home late from working in the dusty, greasy shop all night, but she doesn’t want to cuddle up with a guy smelling of sweat and transmission fluid. Take a shower, or at least scrub whatever needs it before climbing under the sheets.
5: Mind your feet.
Any grit on the bedroom floor will make its way under the covers and onto the foot of the bed even if you’re climbing in freshly showered. Wipe ‘em off before you hoist those size 12s under the blanket. And maybe sweep or vacuum the bedroom once in a while to alleviate the necessity.
6: Be nice to her cat.
Sure, that cat of hers is sitting on your head, trying to steal your pillow. And yeah, (for the dog people) maybe her 80-pound mastiff is crushing your ankle. Even still, DO NOT blanket toss that furry friend across the room, even if you think your wife is sound asleep and will never know you did it. Her feline will rat you out; somehow they always do.
You’ll get home from work the next evening and the feline who outranks you will be sitting on her lap. They’ll both give you that strict teacher stare while your wife calmly sets down her tea. Then she’ll gently pet her feline bestie and ask her, “Okay, Sophie. Now, tell me again so he can hear **eyes flashing** what he did to you last night.”
You’ll be cooked. Don’t put yourself in that vice.
[Note: I don’t know if dogs have this clairvoyant back channel communication with their female owners, but I know cats do. And they use it.]7: Turn off your phone when she goes to sleep.
She may not complain about it, but science shows a phone’s EMF is going to affect her sleep rhythms and health. Yours, too. Scrolling social media or YouTube late at night is a major component of that. Don’t blame me; blame Samsung/Apple.
I know, it may be your only chance that night to catch up on your team’s gameday highlights. Save it for the bathroom in the morning.
If something negatively affects her sleep, it needs to change, and her lack of sleep is also hazardous to your health. Which leads me to (and this is from the makers of that sage proverb: Never wake a sleeping baby)…
8: Never wake a sleeping wife.
I once had a sign made for my wife that read:
Let her sleep for tomorrow she will move mountains.
I’ve learned that if I don’t let her sleep, the only mountain she’ll be interested in moving will be me, straight to the couch. Get up and do morning with the kids. If the baby doesn’t need to nurse, get up with the baby in the middle of the night and learn how to rock them back to sleep.
If your wife needs to go to bed early, go with her if you can—you can always use the extra sleep—and if you can’t, refer to tips 1 and 2 when you do join her. If she needs a nap in the middle of the day, encourage her to take it.
Putting it all together.
Basically with all of these, put on your big boy pants and make sure you’re meeting her bedroom needs, all of them.
Now, you may have clicked on this post expecting a different flavor of tips. If so, you’ll want to check out this article, or buy these books, or this one, to further enhance your bedtime prowess, and invigorate both of your bedtime experiences.
Sex might be the Superbowl of bedtime activities (and ought to be, for both of you) but everything else that happens there is like the regular season. If you don’t do the little, respectful things right, day by day, you may not win enough contests to even make it to the Superbowl. That’s not what God has planned for you and your marriage.
He wants you to win, big…even if she has a cat.
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