I’ve been writing on some heavy themes lately. So how about a little light-hearted fare this week? I promise we’ll be back to our regularly scheduled deep dives into modern atrocity and what we can do about it very soon.
But this week, let’s talk nerd. For those new around here, The Nerd Cuts are where I write alternate versions of movies to fix the dumpster fires that bad Hollywood writers set when they unwittingly charred promising story ideas on the altar of their incompetence.
The granddaddy of all Hollywood dumpster fires is the early 21st century CGI-fest known as the Star Wars Prequels. Looking back, they resemble the overeager efforts of a five-year-old playing with new art supplies.
Strap in, because we’re gonna fix Anakin Skywalker’s origin story.
Now, redoing the entire trilogy is probably more ambitious than I want to be today, so let’s just accept the dual absurdities of Episode 1: The Phantom Menace and Episode 2: Attack of the Clones, and go from there.
Imagine we’re early 2000’s screenwriters saddled with redeeming the once-exulted franchise at the critical point in history when it began its twenty year Disney+ death spiral. As it stands, Star Wars has become the McDonalds of the movie world, robotically churning out disgusting products that vaguely resemble what they used to produce to a generation who’s lost the ability to tell the difference.
Can we fix it?
**shrugs like Luke in Empire** Alright, I’ll try.
(Pipe down, Yoda. Even the Force might not be able this salvage this busted ship.)
The Nerd Cut: Episode III (as it could have been)
Fox fanfare
Lucas logo
A long time ago…yada yada
Here’s the new opening scrawl:
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Three years into the Clone Wars, the Republic’s Army has nearly crushed the Separatists. A handful of powerful systems continue to hold out, stubbornly defeating the Republic’s forces in surprise victories.
The Jedi have discerned spies within the Senate, sabotaging the Republic’s war efforts.
To counter these moles, Chancellor Palpatine, increasingly authoritarian and secretive, has tasked the Jedi Council to provide him a lone Jedi master, Quinlan Vos, to infiltrate the Separatist network and expose the traitors with the Senate.
Vos has just discovered Count Dooku’s secret headquarters and has sent a desperate message to Anakin Skywalker to assist him in capturing the Separatist leader….
[pan down to a remote area of Coruscant, where Episode II ended]
Anakin flies low and fast through a series of structures, lands his ship, fights several droids, and joins up with Jedi Master Vos. Together they confront Dooku, who almost kills Anakin but Vos saves him and kills Dooku.
Elsewhere in a space battle, the Republic’s Clones are led by Obi-Wan and have the upper hand when once again they are thwarted at the last minute by unforeseen Separatist reinforcements arriving to trap them. Obi-Wan calls a hasty retreat, convinced of a conspiracy among disloyal Senators.
Anakin becomes impatient with Obi-Wan’s caution in trying to see the larger picture. Anakin’s’ impatience is a theme that continues to play out in battles, discussions with Obi-Wan, and debates with Padme (his secret wife) regarding the conduct of the war and the actions of Chancellor Palpatine.
After a violent argument with Padme, Anakin storms away. Soon afterward she discovers she is pregnant. Unsure how that will affect his coming Jedi knighthood, and afraid of his deteriorating behavior, she mulls over how and when to tell him about her pregnancy.
Anakin takes his frustrations to some of the other Jedi squires — all of them on the cusp of knighthood, and all of them with a shared frustration at the Jedi Council’s inaction regarding the spies. Anakin suggests bypassing the Council and taking their concerns to Quinlan Vos directly.
In a land battle, a few Jedi witness war crimes perpetrated by the Clones.
“They were surrendering! And those were civilians!” a Jedi master angrily confronts the Clone commander.
“Our orders are to show no quarter.”
“Under whose authority!?”
“That’s classified.”
Act II
The Jedi debate the matter of increased Clone brutality in a large forum, with padawans, scribes, and masters in attendance.
Anakin speaks out of turn, and he and Obi-Wan argue publicly about the necessity for total war versus nuanced peace. Anakin takes a hard line against anyone threatening the Chancellor or the Republic, with the hot-headed Jedi squires vocally echoing his exertions. Obi-Wan scolds him vehemently and the event marks a pivotal shift in the relationship between Anakin and Obi-Wan.
Later, the Council warns Obi-Wan that the young Jedi are becoming dangerous, ripe for turning dark with their increasingly militant stances. After Palpatine enacts ex post facto laws to “legalize” the multiple war crimes, the Jedi Council concludes that Palpatine may be a Sith.
A delegation of young Jedi hold a secret council with Vos. Anakin suggests the Jedi Council members have become bureaucrats similar to the Senate, unwilling to do what’s necessary to end the war. Vos takes the insinuation even further and suggests that the Jedi themselves may be the true leaders of the Separatists, seeking to overthrow the Republic.
Concurrently, a group of Jedi masters including Obi-Wan meet with Mon Mothma and other senators regarding their suspicions about Palpatine, wherein the Senate leaders reveal to the Jedi that they are in league with the Separatists. All agree that at the very least, Palpatine must be unseated as Chancellor. Quinlan Vos manages to record this exchange as he has had every senator under constant surveillance.
Soon afterward, Palpatine sends an elite clone unit to arrest the traitorous Senators and Anakin leads the way. A skirmish ensues within the Senate halls between Jedi and Senate security forces. In the crossfire, two of Anakin’s Jedi comrades are killed and Vos convinces Anakin that the Jedi Council has betrayed the Jedi Order. He shows him video footage showing Obi Wan conspiring to overthrow the Chancellor and tells him the Jedi will kill any senators (or Jedi) loyal to the Chancellor, including Padme.
Vos then takes Anakin to Palpatine to confirm this while many senators flee for their lives to the Jedi Temple, seeking refuge. There, Padme confesses to the Council members that she is one of the Separatist leaders.
Palpatine orders Vos and Anakin to take a Clone army and arrest the disloyal senators and kill any traitorous Jedi trying to protect them. They descend on the Jedi temple and a large battle plays out. A Jedi squire fights another in trying to protect Padme but is killed and Padme is severely injured with a lightsaber before Obi-Wan rescues her and takes her to Senate leader Bail Organa.
Once clear of danger, Padme reveals to Obi-Wan that she is pregnant. Bail Organa also informs Obi-Wan that he has secretly been funding the alliance of those opposed to Palpatine, urges the Jedi to remove Palpatine while they still can, and agrees to hide Padme on Alderan.
“Can you convince Anakin to join us?” she asks.
“He’s rejected almost everything I’ve taught him. I don’t know how much of the old Anakin is left.”
Padme leaves with Organa, distraught.
Act III
Quinlan Vos and Anakin return to Palpatine to report that the Jedi are in full civil war. Palpatine declares the Jedi Order is now an enemy of the state, and Anakin reluctantly agrees. Using doctored footage, Palpatine shows Anakin hologram images of what appears to be Obi-Wan running Padme through with a lightsaber. Anakin seethes and renounces the Jedi, vowing to destroy them while Palpatine and Vos revel in their deception to Anakin.
The Jedi Council gathers forces (including non-clone security personnel) and call on the Separatists to join them in force for a move against Palpatine, with Yoda leading the way.
A large scale air and land battle ensues at the Capitol with Separatists versus Clones, and older Jedi versus younger Jedi. Palpatine seems ready to fall when a sudden influx of wave after wave of Clone units turn the tide. Palpatine brags to Anakin that he has secretly created several divisions of new Clones for this very moment.
Trapped and badly outnumbered, the Jedi are whittled down to only a few. Yoda is injured and the Separatist army is all but destroyed before they call a hasty retreat. Yoda uses his last remaining strength to conjure Force power sufficient to usher them to safety before being carried off unconscious by the retreating Separatist fighters.
At Monument Hall, Obi-Wan and Mace Windu attempt to kill Palpatine but are confronted by Anakin and Vos. Windu kills Vos and then Anakin kills Mace Windu. Obi-Wan arrives to find Anakin standing over Windu, and they fight.
Obi-Wan defeats him and spares his life in a similar manner as in the original film while a legion of Clones arrive to capture Obi-Wan. He flees to join up with any Jedi not loyal to Palpatine, of which only Yoda remains.
As the victorious young Jedi celebrate their defense of the Chancellor and the Republic, Palpatine issues Order 66 and has all of them executed.
Anakin is near death and placed into the Darth Vader suit. Obi-Wan returns to Padme and reveals to her everything that has transpired. She agrees to stay hidden on Alderan with Bail Organa.
“I have to believe there is still good in him.”
“Even if he survives, the good man who was your husband, my friend, doesn’t exist anymore,” Obi-Wan said sadly. “It would be better for you and your child if you kept as far from him as possible.”
Obi-Wan and Padme consult with a recuperating Yoda who meditates on what to do. The Force reveals to Yoda images of Luke as a young toddler exhibiting considerable Force ability.
“With you and your children together,” Yoda informs Padme, “Anakin will sense your presence. He is too powerful to easily hide.”
“He?”
“Your son. You are pregnant with twins, a boy and a girl.”
More images of a potential future, Padme walking with young Leia and Luke, and Darth Vader finding them.
“Too powerful the boy will become,” Yoda warns. ”Hidden away from you, he must be. Far away, as far as possible.”
“I can’t send him away. What if Anakin finds him alone? I have to protect him.”
Yoda sees a young Luke, laughing and running in the desert.
“Protected he will be,” Yoda turns to Obi-Wan. “But also tempered he must be. Watched.”
Images of Obi-Wan on Tatooine, watching young Luke from afar. Then a teenage Luke with his friends working on a Sky Hopper, Obi-Wan conversing with them casually before moving on.
Padme interjects placing a hand on her stomach, “If I send him, will he survive? Will Anakin find him?”
Yoda sees the classic image of Luke from the original Star Wars, watching a binary sunset.
“He may. It is his only hope.”
[cue the Star Wars Finale theme]
[Cut to Alderan]
From a short distance, Bail Organa and his wife, Breha, watch Padme walking feebly, hand in hand with a five-year-old girl.
Padme’s legs wobble and she lets go of Leia to catch herself against a tree, stumbling. Leia stands to the side.
Bail starts to rush to her but Breha places a hand on him to let her go instead.
[the familiar music grows in intensity]
Breha walks to Padme, wiping tears as she approaches her. Bail shakes his head and looks down. Breha helps Padme to her feet, offers her an arm which Padme takes with both hands. With her other arm Breha takes Leia’s hand and the three of them resume their slow walk.
[the music builds to a crescendo]
Leia looks into the setting sky, a silhouette of the three of them from behind, then panning higher up, two Star Destroyers in the upper atmosphere.
[credits]
I hope this satisfies disaffected Star Wars fans. For the record, the hardest part was dealing with Dooku, who was a lame character filling out a dumb storyline littered with inconsistencies. So I found it best to kill him off as quickly as possible. Blame Lucas.
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If you enjoyed this Nerd Cut, check out the previous ones as well:
and more…
Star Wars, Episode VIII The Last Jedi
Movie nerds will also enjoy Movie Fight Club, where we engage in weekly debates over obsucure movie questions. The winner gets to choose the following week’s question, posted every Monday.
Also, you might enjoy my fan fiction sequel to The Princess Bride: The Dread Pirate Roberts, availabe online to read for free.